Fancies and crushes
March 9th 2010 05:39
Sitting on the bus, eavesdropping on the conversation of the girls in front of me.
One turns to the other and says, "And now, whenever I meet him, I'm conscious that everyone thinks I fancy him."
The expression "to fancy" -- it's distinctively English (to Australian ears), it's chatty, slightly humorous, and it's distanced from passion. It's a far cry from "to have a crush on", which is rather American, heavy-handed, desperate, out of control, and embarrassingly revelatory and personal.
What other options are there? -- "To have a thing for x", "to be soft on x", "to be keen on x", "to think x is all right", "to like x", "to like like x"... And each is slightly different. For instance, "to like", depending on the context, could be vague, or understatement, or, because it's vague, suggest prudishness or embarrassment.
Of course, not everyone has access to all options. An American might never have heard of "to fancy"; and even if she had, conventions of language might restrict her. If she actually used the verb in an American setting, her word choice would stick out -- which might interfere with what she's trying to say or give it undue emphasis, or suggest that she's affected, or being funny, or strange.
We express ourselves as best we are able, given all constraints, including constraints of time.
The rest of our thought is forced into shape: perhaps none of the options to hand is exactly what one wants.
Using "to fancy" forces you to adopt a role, a position, and it carries assumptions -- it implies that you're light-hearted about the situation, that you're down-to-earth about romance, and so forth.
Your words have consequences, effects. Other people will likely take that implied position at face value (perhaps modulated with an awareness of speaking habits, psychology, or the constraints of vocabulary), and they respond to it as best they are able, with their thoughts similarly forced into shape.
You then will likely take their position at face value, and on and on it goes, lies on tiny lies.
At some point, you begin yourself to believe in the position you're adopting. You actually become light-hearted about your crush, you actually do take a practical perspective on love...
Compare the "outside in" acting technique -- make a crying face, and you begin to feel sad; adopt a businessman's brisk walk, and you begin to feel confident and efficient; adopt a slave's stooped posture, and you begin to feel servile.
One turns to the other and says, "And now, whenever I meet him, I'm conscious that everyone thinks I fancy him."
***
The expression "to fancy" -- it's distinctively English (to Australian ears), it's chatty, slightly humorous, and it's distanced from passion. It's a far cry from "to have a crush on", which is rather American, heavy-handed, desperate, out of control, and embarrassingly revelatory and personal.
What other options are there? -- "To have a thing for x", "to be soft on x", "to be keen on x", "to think x is all right", "to like x", "to like like x"... And each is slightly different. For instance, "to like", depending on the context, could be vague, or understatement, or, because it's vague, suggest prudishness or embarrassment.
***
Of course, not everyone has access to all options. An American might never have heard of "to fancy"; and even if she had, conventions of language might restrict her. If she actually used the verb in an American setting, her word choice would stick out -- which might interfere with what she's trying to say or give it undue emphasis, or suggest that she's affected, or being funny, or strange.
We express ourselves as best we are able, given all constraints, including constraints of time.
The rest of our thought is forced into shape: perhaps none of the options to hand is exactly what one wants.
***
Using "to fancy" forces you to adopt a role, a position, and it carries assumptions -- it implies that you're light-hearted about the situation, that you're down-to-earth about romance, and so forth.
Your words have consequences, effects. Other people will likely take that implied position at face value (perhaps modulated with an awareness of speaking habits, psychology, or the constraints of vocabulary), and they respond to it as best they are able, with their thoughts similarly forced into shape.
You then will likely take their position at face value, and on and on it goes, lies on tiny lies.
***
At some point, you begin yourself to believe in the position you're adopting. You actually become light-hearted about your crush, you actually do take a practical perspective on love...
Compare the "outside in" acting technique -- make a crying face, and you begin to feel sad; adopt a businessman's brisk walk, and you begin to feel confident and efficient; adopt a slave's stooped posture, and you begin to feel servile.
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Comment by tiggyd
Which brings me to agreeing with your other idea:
I remember reading, a while ago now, about how human beings tend to 'play out roles', as some form of automation. I think this happens when we shut off our critical reflection and go on auto-pilot. I've seen myself do this at times, when I get upset by something trivial, and react, and then think "Wow, that was not at all annoying, why did I react in such a way?" and laugh at myself.
Comment by Nonymous
Philosophy Blog
Without rereading my post, from memory I think I was being quite nebulous, and thinking about the way that one changes one's own behaviour in the course of finding words and conversing.
I think I was also thinking more about momentary and somewhat vague positions and attitudes that one adopts.
Your comment concretizes some of my nebulousness with the concept of "role". The word summons up something well-understood within a society, a reasonably clear social position with reasonably clear understandings attached.
Your comment reminds me of Happy Days-type 1950s American television. "Do you want to go steady with me?" -- After the question is answered, there are consequences. One may say certain things, do certain things; certain things are expected of one and forbidden of one, etc.
And sometimes people are quite uncomfortable outside the norms. "We're sleeping together, we're living together, we need to get married. Otherwise, where is this relationship going?" -- The feeling that it has to "go somewhere", and the discomfort if it doesn't.