Sick bowls and fixed amounts of grief
October 1st 2006 23:32
* If you’re sick, having someone sit by you serves at least three purposes. Firstly, you can use them to clean your vomit bowl and stuff. Secondly, they can call an ambulance, yell for a doctor, etc. if anything goes really wrong. Thirdly, even apart from their practical uses, the idea that someone is concerned is reassuring.
* It’s possibly also the case that people can “radiate” moods, that moods can be infectious -- happiness, calm, fear...
* In the case of a child finding it hard to get asleep, it’s surely often the case that the adult sitting near radiates protection, security.
* I think when you’re mad with grief, having someone with you at least is a sort of reminder -- of responsibilities you have, ties you still have with the world, possibilities of future pleasure...
* For whatever reason, grief appears to be lessened in groups. Each person individually feels less grief than they would if they were mourning by themselves. It’s as if grief is a fixed amount that’s now distributed among many people.
* Presumably, part of the reason is simple public decorum. You can’t let it all out in public: you have to restrain yourself. Another part is the radiation of calm, comfort, reassurance. And another part might be that there really is some sort of amelioration in another person going through what you’re feeling -- so that at least you don’t cry out of loneliness, and so that each of you has to try to be calm to help the other.
* It’s possibly also the case that people can “radiate” moods, that moods can be infectious -- happiness, calm, fear...
* In the case of a child finding it hard to get asleep, it’s surely often the case that the adult sitting near radiates protection, security.
***
* I think when you’re mad with grief, having someone with you at least is a sort of reminder -- of responsibilities you have, ties you still have with the world, possibilities of future pleasure...
* For whatever reason, grief appears to be lessened in groups. Each person individually feels less grief than they would if they were mourning by themselves. It’s as if grief is a fixed amount that’s now distributed among many people.
* Presumably, part of the reason is simple public decorum. You can’t let it all out in public: you have to restrain yourself. Another part is the radiation of calm, comfort, reassurance. And another part might be that there really is some sort of amelioration in another person going through what you’re feeling -- so that at least you don’t cry out of loneliness, and so that each of you has to try to be calm to help the other.
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Comment by Ahmed
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
Comment by Damo
'Man is a social being.'
'No man is an island' etc...
Comment by Adrian
Philosophy Blog
I'm still in Malaysia at the moment; will be flying out to London tomorrow. If you want any postcards or souvenirs, now would be the time to ask.
A random thought: when you're happy, you might want to increase your happiness, sure (unless you're laughing so hard that you understand the expressing "side-splitting laughter"). But when you're grieving, do you necessarily want to lessen your grief?
Comment by Damo
Yep sure do. Grief sucks.
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
At the risk of sounding jaded and cynical, my experiences of grief haven't been helped by being in a group. In fact they were hindered and I felt even more alone. People just kept throwing questions at me and all sorts of unhelpful clichés: 'time will heal', 'you have to be brave' and the last goodie...'god moves in mysterious ways'. Yes, I agreed with that one, so mysterious I had no idea what was happening.
I think the circumstances and the age of the person who died makes a difference, people are more unsure what to say or do if the person is younger and feel compelled to fill the silences when all you really want to do is be able to cry and for someone to hug you.
Comment by Adrian
Philosophy Blog
I think you make an important qualification.
If, for instance, my partner has just died, in a sense it's cruel that society then imposes all these obligations on me -- to organize the funeral, etc, and then to mingle with other people at the funeral and wake. People never know how to treat the bereft; I don't either. And grief is often something that you need to get out of your system by yourself.
Sorry... Not much to say at the moment, but I'll reflect more carefully on your words.
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Having said what I said in my last post, this one might seem rather contradictory, but I found that happens with death. My emotions oscillated wildly between anger that people avoided me and would not talk about my sister's death and then a strong yearning for life to not remind me that she had died.
Also, I found that after the initial bereavement period, I felt so lonely and searched frantically for people that might have gone through anything similar as I felt so different from people around me. After a while. I found a support group and that helped hugely. I felt freer to talk about how the death had really affected me without worrying about hurting my family's feelings. So, I think for me, I experienced a yes and no answer to your initial question.
Tracy
Comment by Adrian
Philosophy Blog
One never wants to presume to talk about someone else's world of grief, or to pretend that it is understandable. It might be a natural reaction, therefore, to avoid contact.
I think this is the iceberg tip of a huge subject. There is a lot to be written about "the work of mourning", about what grief is and how to grieve. And there is a lot to be written about how to respond to people in grief.