Inability to bear children
February 15th 2010 05:23
Someone recently asked me:
"So do you know of any Eastern philosophy that gives advice on how to feel about/deal with being unable to have children? Aside from the generic 'suck it up'."
Well, I don't know Eastern philosophy well, and I don't retain much from what I've read, but here's some very quick thoughts on the subject.
Short answer: Can't think of any such advice.
Longer answer:
* There's folk tales and stories on the theme of being childless, barren -- Abraham, Pinnochio, Rapunzel, the Gingerbread Man...
* Presumably there is some advice somewhere in Eastern philosophy, given:
-- the pressure that Asian cultures exert on people to procreate;
-- the embarrassment that people often feel at being unable to have children; the humiliation of impotence;
-- the potential social ostracization;
-- the property-rights problems (more acute if you're aristocracy or royalty). Cf Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice -- since there's no male son, the wife and daughters are at the mercy of Mr Collins, who will inherit the father's estate and who will have the legal power to evict them;
-- other problems: no one to help on the farm; no one to take care of you when you're old, no one to carry on the family name (it being regarded as an important value to do so), etc.
* What does any philosophy say about children?
-- In Eastern philosophy, there's lots of stuff on filial piety and duties to parents.
-- There's much writing on education in Eastern and Western philosophy.
-- There are passages about grief and loss of children in ancient writings (for instance, a famous letter by Cicero about the death of his daughter).
-- In some analytic philosophy, there's discussion about such things as duties towards the unborn, the merits of adoption over reproducing, overpopulation, and circumstances when it might be immoral to have a child (what should you do if you know that any child you have will suffer some terrible condition?).
* What could philosophy (or psychology or religion for that matter) conceivably say about children, or coping with the inability to have them?
-- It might be possible to describe, analyze, explain, or give insight into emotions, intentional states, grieving processes, patterns of thought, perceptions, etc. Being able to understand something might have no effect, or it might offer some sort of consolation (for instance, if you're able to articulate what you're feeling, or if you realize you're not alone), or there might be practical ramifications (eg, a particular psychological understanding of mourning might have practical applications for the therapist).
-- It might be possible to offer thoughts that, when dwelled upon or regarded as true, have a consoling effect. What does any grief counsellor do? These thoughts might be more general (Stoic acceptance of what is not in your control, Buddhist acceptance of suffering in the world, religious faith in destiny or God's will -- "it wasn't meant to be") -- or they might be more particular -- Isaiah 54:1 goes: "Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the LORD."
-- It might be possible to recommend practices -- meditation, prayer, control over emotions, or getting drunk, losing yourself in this or that, etc -- which are supposed to prepare you for tragedy, or help you to "cope" (whatever that means) with tragedy. (It's crass to say this, but it does seem to me that often emotion goes hand-in-hand with non-necessary thinking -- feeling cheated of first prize in a competition implies an expectation to have won, or a belief in entitlement to that prize, etc.)
-- There might be general ethical advice. For instance, a philosophy might recommend becoming an ascetic and avoiding the whole question of having children. The New Testament says something like: the person who doesn't marry is better off than the person who does, because they'll then have only God as their master.
But at the end of the day, maybe Buddhism, monotheistic religions, Stoicism, Epicureanism, and all of these end up with "suck it up"...
Notes
-- Monday 15 February 2010: Found an article, "The history of infertility" by Leah M Brown. The article mentions: "The Book of Genesis speaks of two sisters: Rachel and Leah. Rachel was beautiful and desired. Leah was plain and unloved. God made it possible for Leah to bear children while her sister remained childless. Despite all of her best efforts Rachel did not become pregnant for many, many years. When she finally did give birth Rachel cried out, 'God has taken away my disgrace by giving me a son.'" (And there's lots of other references to infertility as a disgrace in the Old Testament.) Brown continues: "In some ancient cultures it was an acceptable practice for men to hang their wives if they failed to produce an offspring with in the agreed upon time. In Regency England a man could publicly denounce his union and "set aside his wife" if she failed to produce an heir. In more recent times, women have been victims of 'kitchen burnings.' This Indian practice calls for the disgruntled spouse to tie his wife to a chair and set her afire in their kitchen."
"So do you know of any Eastern philosophy that gives advice on how to feel about/deal with being unable to have children? Aside from the generic 'suck it up'."
Well, I don't know Eastern philosophy well, and I don't retain much from what I've read, but here's some very quick thoughts on the subject.
Short answer: Can't think of any such advice.
Longer answer:
* There's folk tales and stories on the theme of being childless, barren -- Abraham, Pinnochio, Rapunzel, the Gingerbread Man...
* Presumably there is some advice somewhere in Eastern philosophy, given:
-- the pressure that Asian cultures exert on people to procreate;
-- the embarrassment that people often feel at being unable to have children; the humiliation of impotence;
-- the potential social ostracization;
-- the property-rights problems (more acute if you're aristocracy or royalty). Cf Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice -- since there's no male son, the wife and daughters are at the mercy of Mr Collins, who will inherit the father's estate and who will have the legal power to evict them;
-- other problems: no one to help on the farm; no one to take care of you when you're old, no one to carry on the family name (it being regarded as an important value to do so), etc.
* What does any philosophy say about children?
-- In Eastern philosophy, there's lots of stuff on filial piety and duties to parents.
-- There's much writing on education in Eastern and Western philosophy.
-- There are passages about grief and loss of children in ancient writings (for instance, a famous letter by Cicero about the death of his daughter).
-- In some analytic philosophy, there's discussion about such things as duties towards the unborn, the merits of adoption over reproducing, overpopulation, and circumstances when it might be immoral to have a child (what should you do if you know that any child you have will suffer some terrible condition?).
* What could philosophy (or psychology or religion for that matter) conceivably say about children, or coping with the inability to have them?
-- It might be possible to describe, analyze, explain, or give insight into emotions, intentional states, grieving processes, patterns of thought, perceptions, etc. Being able to understand something might have no effect, or it might offer some sort of consolation (for instance, if you're able to articulate what you're feeling, or if you realize you're not alone), or there might be practical ramifications (eg, a particular psychological understanding of mourning might have practical applications for the therapist).
-- It might be possible to offer thoughts that, when dwelled upon or regarded as true, have a consoling effect. What does any grief counsellor do? These thoughts might be more general (Stoic acceptance of what is not in your control, Buddhist acceptance of suffering in the world, religious faith in destiny or God's will -- "it wasn't meant to be") -- or they might be more particular -- Isaiah 54:1 goes: "Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the LORD."
-- It might be possible to recommend practices -- meditation, prayer, control over emotions, or getting drunk, losing yourself in this or that, etc -- which are supposed to prepare you for tragedy, or help you to "cope" (whatever that means) with tragedy. (It's crass to say this, but it does seem to me that often emotion goes hand-in-hand with non-necessary thinking -- feeling cheated of first prize in a competition implies an expectation to have won, or a belief in entitlement to that prize, etc.)
-- There might be general ethical advice. For instance, a philosophy might recommend becoming an ascetic and avoiding the whole question of having children. The New Testament says something like: the person who doesn't marry is better off than the person who does, because they'll then have only God as their master.
But at the end of the day, maybe Buddhism, monotheistic religions, Stoicism, Epicureanism, and all of these end up with "suck it up"...
***
Notes
-- Monday 15 February 2010: Found an article, "The history of infertility" by Leah M Brown. The article mentions: "The Book of Genesis speaks of two sisters: Rachel and Leah. Rachel was beautiful and desired. Leah was plain and unloved. God made it possible for Leah to bear children while her sister remained childless. Despite all of her best efforts Rachel did not become pregnant for many, many years. When she finally did give birth Rachel cried out, 'God has taken away my disgrace by giving me a son.'" (And there's lots of other references to infertility as a disgrace in the Old Testament.) Brown continues: "In some ancient cultures it was an acceptable practice for men to hang their wives if they failed to produce an offspring with in the agreed upon time. In Regency England a man could publicly denounce his union and "set aside his wife" if she failed to produce an heir. In more recent times, women have been victims of 'kitchen burnings.' This Indian practice calls for the disgruntled spouse to tie his wife to a chair and set her afire in their kitchen."
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Comment by Peter Frauenglass
"Men can be distinguished from animals by consciousness, by religion or anything else you like. They themselves begin to distinguish themselves from animals as soon as they begin to produce their means of subsistence, a step which is conditioned by their physical organisation. By producing their means of subsistence men are indirectly producing their actual material life." (German Ideology)
To summarize a bit of Marx's thinking, man is unique in that we produce not only offspring, but ourselves. Animals eat and mate - only we farm. That gives us a big leg up, in that we become less dependent on nature than animals. A famine will wipe out a population of squirrels, but we tend to just import more food from a different country. In an animal, the inability to reproduce itself sexually is the loss of almost its whole essence - what makes it alive. You're in a bit better position as a human. The ability to reproduce yourself sexually is only a small part of your self-activity (to use one of Marx's terms).
On a daily basis you reproduce yourself by working for your bread. You reproduce yourself by spreading your ideas, by social interactions. While Marx would say that being barren is to loose a part of human nature, it's only the animal part. The far more important aspects of your existence are still present - you can still work with your hands to shape the future, still pass on your ideas and, in short, still reproduce yourself in every way that is uniquely human rather than merely animal.
So yeah, little more than a philosophical way of saying to not focus on what's missing, and instead focus on what you still have.
Comment by Anonymous